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I'm supposed to be doing my Psychology and Biology homework right now, but I have this thing I do every year the day before my birthday. Every year I write an entry in my diary about what I expect to learn before my next birthday. This year I thought I'd post it on here.

Being sixteen has been such a quick experience. This past year has been filled with all sorts of disappointments, achievements, and memories that I'll treasure. I have met so many remarkable individuals, and I can only hope that I am able to become a better person through having met their acquaintance.

I have always been independent. But this year I learned that sometimes we need to be honest and realisitc with ourselves. There are moments and situations in life when we don't have to feel alone, even if it means admitting that we're vulnerable. You see, my sarcasm corellates perfectly with this facade that I masquerade in. I like to appear corageous, witty, ambitious, and invincible. But when stripped of these adjectives, I am as human as anybody. It's time I began to realize that.

As much as I love my psychology class, I refuse to believe that the only thing we are is a product of our genetics. And although it seems a pressing issue amongst teenagers these days to be able to define themselves and find a role within social cliques, I'm realizing more every day how small and insignificant this accomplishment is. Rather than being given a set of rules to conform, I think I would much rather prefer keep everyone around me constantly anticipating my next steps. I don't want to be normal- for why follow the example of a society when no society is ever model-worthy?

This year I want to overcome the boundaries that I have set for myself. I want to accomplish more and become someone worthy of knowing. I pray that I find the compassion within myself to make someone's day a little bit brighter every day. And I genuinely wish to have the wisdom to make the right decisions in my life. I don't want to be perfect- but I would like to come somewhere near the person that I was intended to be. I'd like to persevere towards my purpose and discover true happiness. And in the end, after it's all said and done, I hope to be remembered. I guess that's all I can really ask for.

And it's finally hit me. I'm going to be an older sister to two wonderful girls and despite the age differences, I will be there for them no matter what. I have role models that I look to for guidance, and now I'm trying to be one myself. If ever there was any reason for me to lead the stereotypical twenty-first century teenage life, these girls are now my every reason to stay away from it all. I don't do drugs, I don't drink alcohol, and staying pure for marriage is what I intend to do. 

So I guess this is what turning seventeen for me is all about. 

Since school started, my parents have sat down and finally decided to make an effort to understand each other. This December I will have another lovely sister, and I must say that I am excited, but more than that, I am happy. Each of us now has a second chance to appreciate one another. And though I am far from being a perfect daughter, sister, and whatever else I am, I am indeed trying to be the best person I can be. It's easiest to sign papers to call it quits and then move across the country, but it takes real love and two strong and persevering people to make a marriage last through thick and thin. And I must say, I have never been more proud of my parents.

The Moment Is Here

This year I am fortunate enough to have wonderful classes and talented teachers. Though I truly do miss some of my teachers last year, the ones I have now are all like new characters in a brand new chapter of high school -cheesy, I know, but to me that's sort of inspiring. I am struggling a little to motivate myself with homework and studying, but for the most part I'm thrilled with the notion of learning more and perhaps even being able to add more substance to my manuscript

Manuscript- yes, I am trying to write a manuscript. I have written the prologue, which was initially supposed to be the first chapter but I had decided against that idea. So far I've only let three people read it. I'm nervous to start writing because I have a vision in my mind that I want my manuscript to reflect. But with the support of my friends, teachers, and Tom (thank you for always giving me confidence when I need it most!) I am going to go through with this- finally!

Other than that there are so many more things happening- but I won't bore anyone with the rest. I can't stress enough how great life is right now. I really believe that this is the year that I've been waiting for because so far it's becoming more than I've ever dreamed.

Maybe all it takes to be happy is just making the decision to see things differently. And instead of getting hung up on all the decisions I regret having made, I'm choosing to focus on the lessons that each mistake provided. I'm turning seventeen this Thursday and I'm realizing that my dreams are within reach. And after all that I have been through, I say that I am more than lucky-- I am blessed. 

(New song I wrote just about a week ago.)

I'm looking for a sign,
Something to call mine,
On a rainy day.
When all the world is wrong,
But I keep holding on,
To a faith that I can't see.

I'm searching for a place,
Where I can hide my face,
From the shame that I feel.
I'm praying for a strength,
Someone to understand,
That there's more to me than meets the eye.

Chorus:
So I'll close my eyes and I'll count to ten,
And I'm hoping, hoping, that you're living again.
'Cuz life goes on, and it isn't fair,
There's not a moment in life that I don't wish you were here.

But life goes on, and we grow old,
And as our dreams become, lightyears away,
There's still one that that I need to say...

I findly found a sign,
Something to call mine,
On a rainy day.
When all the world is wrong,
I still keep hanging on,
To a faith I know is real.

I've walking into the place,
Where I can show my face,
Even with the shame I feel.
And I've received the strength,
That truly understands,
There's more to me than meets the eye.

Chorus #2

So I'll close my eyes and I'll coun to ten,
And I'm hoping, hoping, that you can hear me  my friend.
Life goes on, and it isn't fair,
But there's not a moment in life I can't feel you near.

And Life goes on.... and we grow old,
As our memories become lightyears away,
There's still one thing that I need to say...

I'm hanging on to the laughter that you left.
I'm hanging on to the memories I kept.
I'm hanging on to the love that I felt.
I'm hanging on to all the blessing that you send...

(Chorus #2)

And life goes on... and we grow old,
As our memories become lightyears away,
I hope I said all I needed to say.

I had a dream. I saw me sitting with a guest. After taking a closer look I realized I was talking to myself.

There was a ton of small talk. "Where do you plan on going to college?" and "What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?" After a few of these mindless questions, I asked, "What is the career of your choice and why?" 

Yes... those practice SAT essays are definitely taking over my head.

The Path I'm Taking

I knew the answer. I want to be a doctor. Why? Because I want to make a difference. Yet, that wasn't the answer, or at least not all of it. I saw me taking a moment to reflect and think over the question, and then came an answer so satisfying, I knew that this is what I'm meant to do.

"I want to be a doctor because I feel like I have something that I can give people. Whether it be a few encouraging words or my effort towards their well-being, I have the compassion that it takes to go above and beyond for my future patients. ....I want to know what it feels like to give someone a second chance at life. And I hope they can show me what living life to its fullest really means. I'm a big believer in leaving nothing unsaid and if I give at least one person one more month... week... day... to really let all their loved ones know what they mean to them, then those eight years of study and the additional years of internship will be more than worth it."

Looks like one piece of the puzzle is put into its rightful place. If you're asking how many more to go... I wouldn't know.

Every time I pick up the bible, I'll randomly open it up and try to pinpoint a random scripture. I've heard many people say that after doing so they came upon a scripture that "spoke" to them and gave them whatever elightment was needed at the moment.

And what happens when I attempt to do the same?

I come across something that I complete disagree with, shut the bible, and put it back on my bookshelf where it will sit for an entire year collecting dust. My cousin even joked that the only way that I'll ever be able to save up my money is by scattering bills between the pages. And sadly... it works.

Now, when someone asks, "What faith are you?" My default response is Christian. I've been raised to believe that Jesus is my saviour and that God is our Father in Heaven. I can recite most of the Ten Commandments, and when someone sneezes I'm usually the first to say "bless you". (Okay, so that has nothing to do with anything...)

But seriously? I would not be able to tell someone why I personally believe in God. It's like this one guy asked at one of my aunt's youth bible studies, "If two people live together and love each other, have kids, and function as a family... why should they get married if they don't want to?" ....So then you have a bunch of twenty-something year olds trying to come up with some biblical response... and the truth is it was all pathetic. No one wanted to actually admit that they didn't have the answer.

Too many shades of gray.

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I don't know God. I've heard about his mercy and all his awesomeness (is that even a word?) but I've never directly understood why believing in him could fill this "void" that everyone speaks of. What makes anyone certain that I even have a void? I know us humans are programmed to always want more. Nothing is ever enough. So this "void" could just be a manifestation of failure or even fatigue.

Here's the thing... I want to believe in God. I truly want to believe that there is a diety that loves us very much and that genuinely cares about each person. But if I'm going to accept Jesus into my life, real or make-belief, I want to be certain that my heart and mind are on board.

I've tried the whole atheist thing, and it didn't work out too well for me because the world is grim in that perspective. And I've attempted to be agnostic... and that didn't work too well because it left too many questions and possibilities. I've truly tried accepting Christ into my life, but after two days my mind caught up with my heart... and sure as hell my mind won that argument.

I guess I'm desperate to believe in something. But I feel like I'm walking in the dark; completely deaf, mute, and blind; and stumbling the entire way to some undetermined destination.

I wrote a rough draft for a song. It's nothing special, but it kind of just came out when I sat down at my piano today. After writing it down and reading every line, perhaps it's true that music is a way for us to express ourselves when words aren't enough. Truthfully, words are never enough.

Untraditional Prayer.

While I won't go and sign up for a talent show or perform at every opportunity that comes my way, I still love writing music. The only catch is, I only sing when I know for a fact that everyone is out of the house. I don't have to worry if my song sounds stupid, and I have the freedom of banging the piano keys with closed fists in frustration whenever things aren't going right (though I'd never do that to a real piano, just the digital ones that can take it). Simply, music and writing is something that I hold very dear to my heart. And I don't like to share something so personal with everyone for the fear of them taking it away from me (Metaphorically speaking).

"'You see my dear,' she whispered. 'You see what happens when you let someone get too close to the things you love?'" (In Lucia's Eyes, By Arthur Japin)

Yes, yes I do see. In fact, I've never seen so clearly as I do now. So here goes nothing:

Untitled

Koleidescope of colors and emotions,

No there's not a single potion,

That can heal this pain.

And at the end of the day,

I promise myself it'll be okay.

But I gotta go home and say my prayers,

To contain myself.

(Chorus)

And the world is hanging on,

To whatever strength I have,

As I am falling down.

And as I watch me fall apart,

With no one else around,

I'll hold my breath until I hit the ground.

Photographs of smiling individuals,

Well there was a time when it was real,

And happiness is what we would feel.

And at the end of the day,

I force myself to look away.

Because there's nothing left for me to say,

About all the dreams that have gone astray.

(Chorus)

Oh Lord what's happening now?

We're losing everything we've found.

We've taken three steps back instead of two,

and the ocassional one.

Gotta make it through this somehow,

Want to let go but I don't know how.

(Chorus)

The truth is, sometimes you just don't feel like directly talking to anyone. My life's been a crazy ride full of spirals and slopes. But I'm not here to feel sorry for myself. I've gone through that phase already, and the only souvenirs I have to show for it are regret and shame, none of which I'll proudly display on my bookshelf.

I was listening to a recorded sermon on my iPod. Now before you judge me, I quickly want to point out that half the sermons I hear are spiritual bullshit to me. In that I mean, churches focus on repeat members, much like repeat customers, so naturally the preacher will focus on salvation and how "awesome" being a Christian is and such. I'm not going to get in much detail, but my point is, it's so unlike me to actually voluntarily listen to this stuff because I don't believe most of it.

Just Another Song About Life.

For an entire hour I kept hearing how important it is for us people to forgive one another. This "cookie-cutter perfect" sermon simply got on my nerves. While I do think it is important to give people second chances and such, there are things you just don't forgive, and shouldn't have to forgive.

And now, just a few short hours ago, my dad told me that he and my mom are getting divorced. It should be finalized in August, and my mom, sister, and me are moving back to Georgia. And you want to know the funny thing about all this? Moving back to Georgia has been something I've wanted more than anything. And now, something the should have made me the happiest person alive doesn't feel so great anymore.

It makes me wish that instead of finding all the things wrong with us as a family, I would have focused more on all the good each of us "brought to the table".

Money ruined them. Money, pride, anger, and grudges. So call me crazy, but I'm starting to think that if my parents would have been able to forgive each other for stupid shit that kept piling up, maybe I wouldn't be sitting at my computer typing this up right now. As much as I hate to admit it, that sermon had a point.

This is a rant. And for those of you who don't like listening to others complain, I suggest you ignore this post.

I submitted a package to FedEx last Saturday. The employee at the counter said that it would take an estimated four days to reach its destination. It should have been there yesterday.

Well it wasn't. So I called FedEx and the representative asked me for the tracking number. After running it through he asked me what the estimated arrival time was according to their website. After I told him, he's like, "It'll be arriving on that day, ma'am."

No. That's not why I called! Please tell me a how a package sitting in Auburn, Washington is going to make its way to Georgia in one day! I called to complain that you employees aren't updating the website tracking service. So either you are all having my package sit in Auburn for the last four days, or you've actually shipped it off and won't tell me where it is! Either way I'm switching to UPS!

Had I known that it wouldn't have been there by Thursday, I would have paid extra for air mail. It's not a big deal, but having it there by today was (for me at least).

Frustrated with this stupid company, yes. Annoyed with the representative, yes (I can read, thank you very much. Apparently you can't comprehend the question. I directly asked, "Where is my package as of right now?") And switching to UPS, hell yes!!!

Today I was really upset, no... angry would be the better wording. It doesn't matter why or what happened, as that person has apologized. But while I was angry I got to thinking.

In English we read The Lord of the Flies. Now I mention this book because it demonstrated human nature in possibly one of the most disturbing ways. A group of British boys are stranded on an island after their plane crashes. They begin life on the island by electing a leader and creating a makeshift society with rules and boundaries. Everything seems to run smoothly until a power sruggle between two main characters, Ralph and Jack, surfaces. One of the young boys begins telling the others about a "beastie" he saw in the forest. It is then that chaos and fear break lose and their makeshift society begins to crumble.

Whose footprints?

So... our teacher brought up the philosophy of man creating a God if there isn't one already for him to follow. And that makes sense within the context of the story. Eventually the worst is seen in the boys, but nonetheless the "beastie" remains to be their focus, and ultimately their god. So to them their actions are justified.

No religion is pure. Each one has its history, its flaws, and its promises. When the Black Death broke out, the Catholic church was of no use to the people, so the citizens began performing white magi, also known as witchcraft. Because the Catholic Church did not meet the demands of the people, God seemed far away, probably even non-existant to those suffering and fearing the disease. Therefore, they created a God that to them felt there and now. Lo and behold Wicca becomes a religion and Mother Earth becomes the target of worship. Another god has been created.

I'm not going to go into full detail, as I haven't studied all the religions of the world. The two I mentioned above are just examples that came to mind. Whether or not man creates a god for himself, of course that's left up for debate and ultimately comes down to what each of us individually believes. However, believing in a god has its perks.

You see, by believing in ultimate good, we only stand to reason that there is an opposite force. In many religions around the world the opposite force is associated with Satan, darkness, death, etc. So when a person kills another human being or does something extremely disturbing, we take comfort in thinking that it wasn't human nature that committed that action, but instead some paranormal force that provoked him or her. Without religion or a god, people would be held responsible for a lot more things.

Having a god also creates authority and fear. Which would have been useful during colonization and in the expansion of the emipres. People followed those in authority (which for a long time was the Catholic Church) because they feared the ultimate power. They were taught predestination and were kept from questioning those in authority by having the bible and education unavailable to them. In other words, they followed the men in robes because they didn't know any better.

And lastly (though I'm sure there's a ton more), believing in a god leaves room for hope, faith, and miracles. And sometimes when someone's in the hospital or an actual miracle is witnessed, it's easier for us people to credit a higher power because our minds can't rationalize what just happened.

Despite all that, I have to say I do believe in God and I follow the Christian faith. It's what I was raised to believe in and it makes overall sense to me. However, in my opinion, human nature is more powerful than we're taught to believe. And I think that a man does indeed create a god for himself if there isn't one for him to already follow because that is his core of morals and values.